random thoughts

September 3, 2013
 
I've officially made it to 36 weeks. Baby can come any time now! It seems weird that we will have another child in our family. We've been a family of 5 for the past 4.5 years now. When I think of changing that, I can't see it. It's hard to think of life with a newborn. I've almost forgotten what it's like to have a baby, we've been out of the baby phase for so long now, that I almost dread getting back into it. Wow, I sound awesome tonight!

I remember when I was close to having Lexi that I went through a small mourning phase of losing life as we knew it as a family of 4. I think these feelings are similar. As the impending arrival of this new little one gets closer, the reality that life that we currently know it will be forever gone. No longer will Lexi be our baby girl. No longer will it be the 3 kids that I am constantly counting and recounting when we're out in public. 4..... 4 kids. I never thought that was really a large family until this pregnancy. It's a lot of kids!

I've struggled a lot with, can I love this baby like I love the others? It sounds completely crazy when I say it out loud, but it's the truth. Another daughter. How am I going to handle having another daughter? I know nothing about sisters, besides the fact that I always wanted one, but never had one. Are they too far apart in age to really bond with each other in the way that I hope they will? Or are they going to fight and be caddy with each other in the way that I dread they will?

I wonder what she will look like. I have a hunch that she'll have hair, like Bryce, did but I could be wrong and she could be bald like Tyler & Lexi. Will she look like one of the kids more than the others or someone completely different? I am anxious to hold her in my arms and stare into her eyes. I'm ready to meet her, to fall in love with her, to spend hours bonding as we snuggle, feed, and just get to know each other. I am excited to introduce her to her brothers and sister. And I'm ready to watch her Daddy be completely smitten by his little girl and be turned to mush by her.

So many emotions right now. I'm a weepy mess! Can't do much about any of it right now, except to just keep waiting. Waiting for the clues that she's really on her way. Yes, life as we know it as a family of 5 is coming to a close. It's been wonderful. I have the best kids I could have ever hoped for. But something tells me life as a family of 6 will be better than I can have ever thought possible for myself.