Random

I'm in the mood to write, but not so sure to write about, which could be dangerous! Can you believe its June already? I took a look at our calendar and EVERY weekend has something from last week until the last weekend in July....how sick is that? I guess if we're ever going to go camping better book it NOW for August or it will never happen.

The kids continue to grow and do new things. Tyler & Bryce start a little T-Ball class at the YMCA tomorrow morning which they're really looking forward to. They're especially excited to do it with their cousins, we'll see how well the 4 of them do at paying attention and following direction when they're all together. They tend to get a little crazy so it should be interesting.

Lexi has discovered books and the wonders that are inside them. She is crazy about dogs. She loves seeing them in books, will turn to the same page over and over again and say "woof" or stick out her tongue and pant. We're trying to get her to branch out to a few more animals and so far she can say "neigh" for horse, "sssss" for snake, "screech" for mouse (supposed to be squeak but its usually just screaming) "glub blub" for fish, and "roar" for lion. She picks up something new every day. Over the weekend she has been calling every car or thing that has wheels a "beep beep" and she'll stick out her hand and beep a horn in the air. It's pretty cute, for the first 4 minutes. She has learned that she can get my undivided attention if she brings me a book. She usually shoves it in my face and then wants to be picked up to sit in my lap, which I love, but the timing is not always the greatest and I get yelled if I don't do what she wants. If she's doing something she shouldn't be doing and we tell her "NO" she gets very offended and will start bawling. Its kind of humorous actually. Mini tantrums of a 1 year old, gives me great excitement for what I have to look forward to. She's getting way too big.

I'm doing ok. Found myself in kind of a slump for a few days, but trying real hard to pull myself out of it. Exercise and getting out of the house usually help the most. I can't really explain why or what has really gotten me down, sometimes everything just hits all at once. I think a little bit of it has to do with not getting the job at BYU. I think I was so convinced that Marc was going to get it and trying to cope with moving, that when he didn't get it, I was thrown for a loop. I've been making this comparison in my mind for the last couple of days and I'm finally going to just get it out there. Missing out on a job when you are so close, is kind of like miscarrying a baby. Let me explain and I do so with much reservation and as much sensitivity as I possibly can because I know it doesn't even compare, but just hear me out. Sometimes, you try forever to have a baby. For some, its a long process. Takes a lot of effort, planning, research (yes for some of us there is research because it just doesn't happen like its supposed to), etc. And there's always a lot of waiting involved......waiting to take a pregnancy test, waiting to try again, etc. When you learn you are pregnant, you automatically start envisioning your future with a baby, you start thinking differently, you start planning, with much reservation. Sometimes you tell a bunch of people, sometimes you don't. In the back of your mind (at least in the back of mine) there is always the nagging thought of, don't get too attached, something might happen. When you are searching for a job, its a long process. It takes a tremendous amount of effort, research, talking to people, and being on the constant look out. You turn in your application, and you wait. Getting an interview, is sometimes like getting a positive sign on a pregnancy test. Its exciting, its nerve racking, and you start playing all these different thoughts out in your mind. In a way, your envisioning your future with that job. You're thinking about how that job would change your life, what you would be doing, where you would be living, etc. And then you wait....not wanting to get too attached, but hopeful. And then you get a phone call and it crushes all of those thoughts and plans and you are all the way back at Square One. Starting all over again. Not knowing how long its going to take to find another job to apply for, if you'll get an interview, etc. I know those two things don't even belong together in the same comparison, but in a way, I feel like I'm having de-ja-vu (however the heck you spell that) only its not babies that I'm mourning for, its the future of stability and financial goals and getting out from under this weight that is pressing upon us. I know our time will come that we'll get the job. But its the waiting and uncertainty of WHAT that is and WHEN that will be that's the hard part. Its trying to put your heart into another job application, when you just don't want to keep trying anymore because you never feel like you're going to get that positive sign and then get it to remain positive. If that makes any sense, I'll be impressed that you could follow my crazy metaphorical thinking. Bottom line, it hurts....it sucks to have to keep trying again and go through these emotions over and over again. But if you want to end result, you gotta keep trying. So we'll wait again, and try again, and wait some more. I'm trying to be more positive about it, give myself some time to process the grief and the pain and move forward. Just keep swimming, right? I told you it would be a dangerous post.