Torn

It's after 10 and I really should be going to sleep, but I have the worst problem with not being able to go to sleep when Marc is gone. Hopefully, he's asleep! Because its going to be a LONG morning for him until 8:30 comes along, I'm sure.

Honestly speaking, I've never been more scared that we'll actually get this job. Sounds crazy, right?? I mean, who wouldn't want a job that is going to triple what they're making right now, provide full benefits for a family, help us to get out of debt, be self sufficient, pursue a Master's Degree free of charge, and TONS more? (That was the argument presented to me when I was being convinced that we needed to apply.) It sounds wonderful, and I know it would be a huge blessing for our family and an answer to our prayers......It's just not the way I wanted our prayers to be answered. I don't want this to come across as hurtful towards my husband, but I haven't been praying for him to get the job. I haven't known what to pray for, he knows that and knows my conflict. I've simply asked for the Lord's Will to be done, and that I can be prepared to move forward with that Will, whatever it be.

I'm happy here. I love being close to my family. My brothers' married the most amazing women in the world and I am so grateful to have them as sister-in-laws. We love doing things together, and talking together, its refreshing for me. Marc and I are really starting to put some roots down. We're making new friends, we love our callings, we LOVE our ward. After leaving the Cherry Grove Ward I didn't ever think I could find a ward as amazing, but this Vienna Woods ward comes pretty darn close. I'm finally finding a pattern of fitness for myself and the support system I need to maintain and accomplish those fitness goals. I have an amazing swim class, who'd ever thought that would become a factor in moving or not? lol. But for heavens sake, I swam for a mile and a quarter today, without fins, and felt great about it. I love being a part of the YMCA, it is an amazing place, absolutely top notch with fantastic programs. Their child care is unbeatable. One of the sole reasons I've been able to work out as consistently as I do is because I can drop my kids off for up to two hours and have ME time as I exercise. And I love that even though Boise is a growing city, and the traffic congestion is a nightmare for commuters, it still has a small town, quiet feel, and it will always feel Home to me.

I don't know what's going to happen at Marc's interview tomorrow morning nor after wards. I know that he wants this job badly, and is a strong candidate with an amazing personality to backup his work experience, and his degree. We try not to play the "what if" game too much, because I think we're both afraid of not getting the job. You try to prepare yourself either way, but you just can't help thinking what life would be like if you do get the job. At this point...all I know, is that Heavenly Father has a plan for me that has my happiness in store to the fullest degree. I can think I'm happy and have everything I need....but if I trust in his plan, and allow myself to be guided, than I will find happiness I never dreamed existed. I believe that to be true, and that is the only reason I let Marc apply for this job. Because to pack up and leave my life again is the last thing I would ever willingly choose to do. If it's God's plan, I will move forward to the best of my abilities, we've said from the beginning the only reason we'll get this job if its what Heavenly Father has in store for us. I'm trying to be brave, and faithful, but it still doesn't stop the hurting inside. Hopefully, we'll have answers within the next day or two. Until then, I'm off to try and get some sleep.